M A R I A M A R I E

Anxiety and overthinking. Have you heard this words? Have you felt them? 

I still remember my first panic attack. I was at home minding my own business when all of the sudden I got this feeling... words can't even describe it. I felt so out of my body, so out of control, as if I was falling and could stop. I called my mom asking her where she was and I took a taxi to the restaurant where she was having lunch. I was so scared, I didn’t know what was happening, I couldn’t even tell her how I was feeling. That was 8 years ago. I don't really talk about this, but I think is important to open up and share what has help me through this journey of self-healing. 

I've discovered a pattern I was repeating. When this panic attacks happened, it was because I was in my mind, overthinking, over analysing. Overthinking made me very fearful, I was afraid of not having my life “under control”, scared of not knowing what was going to happen next, afraid of not being able to deal with life. I can list a number of things I was afraid of and a number of ways I didn’t felt safe. The reality is that I was just thinking of any excuse possible to be fearful in life, without even realising it. 

I couldn’t understand why I felt this way. I have had a normal childhood, I had a happy home and a family that loved me dearly, but it still didn’t felt quite right. 

Then I discovered photography. 

Whenever I was taking pictures, everything just felt right, everything felt into place. Back then I didn’t did photography full time, I was just doing it during weekend and during my free time. And those where the times when I wasn’t afraid, I was not overthinking, I was just enjoying being in the moment. I could focus all of my energy in finding the beauty that surrounded me, and the details that made life beautiful. 

I realised years later that anxiety comes from when we are in mind energy. We are not designed to live that way. We are made to live form the heart, to have our energy in the heart. 

Whenever we are in mind energy, fear creeps in, we start feeling not good enough and not worthy, but that is just the negative ego speaking. Ego relates worthiness with money, power, and success. Heart relates worthiness in self and trusting that EVERYTHING will work out. When we are in our heart we just trust life and trust that everything will be ok. 

Why did photography worked for me? Because I was connecting to my heart. I was connecting to what felt right for me. I was enjoying the moment and being truth to myself. I started to observe more, to become more present and became aware of the details that surrounded me. 

I am not saying that I am totally healed, it is still a journey. But now I know what triggers my anxiety and whenever I start feeling a panic attack coming, I take a while and remember to be present. 

Have you ever experience panic attacks? What have you found is helpful?